No Excuses 5K

My healthy friend John sent me something to post for him. I don't get the whole running, walking, biking, exercise thing. I guess it works for him. I'll stick to furnature anchoring and moving picture box watching.

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I've recently discovered walking as a low impact method of getting exercise. It only took 47 years for me to discover it. Well, rediscover it if I'm honest with you all. I was an active kid. Walking and running all over the place. As I got into my early teens, skateboards were all the rage, and that form of transportation quickly became my preferred approach.

Lately, it has been slower, longer, less impactful endevours from a skelatal system perspective--my old ankle, knee and hip joints can really support the jarring, cruching and grinding actions of running and skateboarding like they used to handle with ease a few decades ago.

Since completing my first half marathon I've been receiving email invitations to all sorts of other races. I'd like to participate in all of them if I could. The only thing preventing me is the entrance fee. Oh, don't get me wrong, the fees are worth it. Just try walking for 13.1 miles, or 5K, or any distance that causes you to become thirsty, you'll glad to pay $5 for a glass of water. Over 13.1 miles I would have been willing to pay $50 for ten glasses of water!

But the financial burden remains, so I was intrigued by an offer than came to me through email last week. It was for the No Excuses 5k Race. If you submit a clever excuse for not winning the race, and the race director is in a good mood, you can have a complimentary race entry. It all ties back to the name of the race you see--No Excuses 5k. Get it?

I came up with some excuses. Twenty to be exact. Here they are:

1. I was facing the wrong way at the starting line and had to run the whole race in reverse.
2. It was an early morning mix-up involving runners lube and super glue.
3. My regular stylist wasn’t available to give me my prerace aerodynamic haircut.
4. I had my socks on the wrong feet.
5. Shiny objects on the course distracted me.
6. 5K? Wha…I thought they said ‘5-day’.
7. I was apexing the corners, ran wide on the exit, got collected by the marbles, lost traction and spun into the gravel trap. {F1 car racing fans will get this one}
8. It was my plan to increase the average completion time.
9. One word—‘chaffing’.
10. As a professional foot model I have to avoid blisters at all times.
11. I was leading the peloton for most of the race and used all my energy pulling everyone along in my draft. {Cycling fans might like that one} Note that the attached hyperlink has two definitions. The first applies to this blog post. Not to say that I don't like the second, it's just not the appropriate definitions for the race excuse exercise.
12. I mixed my races up and showed up at the starting line in my wet suit.
13. I broke one of my shoe heals mid-race. Damn you Manolo Blahnik and your running stilettos.
14. Too many fans asking for my autograph. (This happens so often to me. Sheesh people, go chase after the Beabs or something.)
15. I stopped for a healthy breakfast.
16. My watch was broken so I used a runner’s metronome. I had it set on the wrong beats per minute.
17. If I win one more trophy, my wife will kick me out of the house. (Uh, not really, but it's still funny.)
18. The tails on my racing tuxedo slowed me down.
19. My shoes were tied too tight and all the blood rush to my head.
20. Race? What race?

I'm still waiting to hear from the race director.

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Oh John, you silly, silly man. I worked up a good sweat just reading this list. I'll stick with my sedentary lifestyle behind the keyboard and leave all that exercise stuff to you and the other crazies.

Now your list was good, but I've come up with a list of my own. You can include these with a follow up email to the race director if you want. Go ahead and steal them from me--I'm getting used to that happening.

Here is my list (continuing from where you left off):

21. The Velcro couch would not release me.
22. I'm breaking in a new pair of house slippers and didn't want them to lose their shape.
23. Gilligan's Island marathon--'nuff said.
24. I had to eat all the leftover bean dip and chips before it went stale.
25. My workout routine was all about the 12oz curls.
26. I stopped to smell the roses.
27. I put my Breathe Right Extra strip on backwards and almost suffocated.
28. I'm more concerned with style than speed.
29. I don't sweat. It's not a condition, it's a choice.
30. My running shorts were at the dry cleaners so I had to run in a pair of cut off jeans.
31. I couldn't find a sweat band that matched my socks.
32. I'm so polite that I kept letting people go before me.
33. I stopped to tip all the volunteers helping out with the water and electrolyte cups.
34. I carbo loaded exclusively with Miller Lite.
35. My mani-pedi appointment ran late.
36. A broadcast storm in my nervous system shut down the run servers. I had to use the backup walk servers instead.
37. I'm more of a 0.5k type runner.
38. My bib pins kept poking me.
39. I was running so fast the CHP pulled me over for speeding.
40. The starting gun scared me so I hid in the bushes until it was all clear.

Who do you my dear readers think had the better list? John has the advantage as he has actually competed in more walking or running events (one) than I have. But I have an advantage as my sense of sarcasm is more finely developed.

Vote for John or Garrison in your reply comments.

-Garrison-

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Excuses 41-60 just showed up in my email from John. Shouldn't he be preparing for the race or resting?

41. GPS error. Went left—shoulda gone right.
42. I only used one lung in this race.
43. Some evil genius slipped a subliminal message into my iPod playlist commanding me to slow down.
44. Gravity was extra strong that day. Atmospheric oxygen was low that day. (Two excuses for the price of one. Both are weak yes, but I’ll accept half credit for both and call it even.)
45. With a revolutionary new stride I’ve reduced my ground contact time to zero. The downside is that it reduced my mph to zero as well.
46. Too aggressive stretching pre-race resulted in Gumby legs.
47. The sun was in my eyes.
48. Forgot to inject grease into the Zerk fittings in my knees.
49. Bunny hopping up the hills slowed me down.
50. Somersaulting down the hills didn’t work very well either.
51. Instead of following the official race course, I took the scenic, touristy path.
52. My clutch was slipping.
53. I was updating my blog as I ran.
54. It was my birthday and the free Denny’s breakfast I had was huge and full of awesomeness.
55. I cherish my mid-race naps and absolutely refuse to give them up.
56. Traction control on my shoes was turned off.
57. I enjoyed the first mile so much I did it twice.
58. Cosmic rays were spiking so I wore my lead-lined suit for extra protection.
59. I pulled my Eustachian tube.
60. My runner’s high turned into runner’s munchies so I stopped for pizza.